Roxane Gay on Physical Transformation, Self-Loathing and Persistence

Roxane Gay writes in a recent ESPN magazine:

“There is always a moment during my workouts when I do something I would have thought impossible, like holding a plank for 60 seconds or knocking out several sets at a higher weight than I’ve ever lifted before, or walking a little farther than the last time when we’re focusing on cardio. I am still miserable, but I feel connected to my body because I am out of my head and fully inhabiting my skin and blood and bones…

I am still fat, and often I imagine that the changes I see are a figment of my imagination, wishful thinking. I am developing stamina, nothing that would be notable to anyone but myself. It is becoming easier to move my body, walk through airports, stand for long periods. It is easier to fit my body in public spaces. I’ve gone to the theater for the first time in years and enjoyed a show. I’ve visited an art museum and walked from floor to floor, exhibit to exhibit. These are the smallest things, but they are also so much more. I’m starting to see what might be possible for me, and it is both exhilarating and terrifying.

I say my goal is weight loss, but really I’m trying to find my way back to feeling as strong and powerful as I did when I fell in love with swimming, as I did before I was assaulted.

The world that has been inhospitable to my body for more than 20 years, the world that has become so small, is suddenly opening up.”

Read it all here.

Image: Jessica Silverberg